The VC Test for Incurable Anhedonia and Points of No Return

1. On a scale of 1–11, where is your happiness?

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2. Would you describe any of your feelings as ‘infinite?’

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3. Do you see or hear a way out of you?

___.

4. Is the room listening?

__________________________________________________________________?_____________________________,_________________________________________________________________________________________,__________________________________,___________,____________,______________________?

5. Would you describe any of your feelings as ‘bottomless?’

___, __________…________________.

6. How would you describe your answer to the following question: ‘What’s your mother like?’

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________________________________________________________________________________________;_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________‘_____________________________’__________________________…_________________________________________________________________________________________:_____________________________:_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;_____________________________________________________________________!_________________________!!!__________________?_______________________________________________;
_________…?______…?…______.

7. At a certain age, did you feel as though you had come to a certain show-stopping set of realizations? Not trite, teenage, ‘this isn’t a phase, mother’ type realizations, but real convictions that soured the world for you.

_____,_____________. _________________________:

• _____________________________. ________________________________…
• _______________;________________________________________________.
• _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________;__________________________________________________________________________________________…___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________…__________.

8. Assuming God is real, do you love Him? Is that love reciprocated?

________________? _________…___________________ —

9. Assuming God isn’t real, don’t you love someThing? Isn’t that love reciprocated?

____________,_________________?! ______________________!! _________ —

10. On a scale of 1–11, how good does it feel to be extremely angry? (Q.v. Q5)

__. _________________________. ______________________…__________________________________________________________________________________________________________,_____________._____________,_______________________________________________________…_________:
_________________________,_______________________._________________. _ _. _____________________ _ _.

11. Do your answers to Q1–10 supra scare you? Allow me to read them back to you…[At this point, physicians, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychoanalysts, psychotherapists, charmers, mystics, etc. need to pay much closer attention to the patient’s or detainee’s overall demeanor, psychoso-body language, facial tics, spiritual stuttering, and/or VC-patented Nuanced Angular Mouth Vicissitudes [N.A.M.Vs] than the patient’s or detainee’s words. [Hopefully, while you’re reading these instructions, you’re performing those classic, natural therapist-time-stalling maneuvers so that you don’t ablate your authoritative appearance [paradoxically, the hope here is that the patient or detainee is paying more attention to your own body language or N.A.M.Vs than they are your increasingly apparent grab for time [maybe, for a brief moment, while the patient or detainee is watching you do these maneuvers, the patient or detainee actually sort of becomes the therapist, the observer — then again, maybe we just read too much into these things or, God forbid, overthink them]][another paradox that we should maybe just leave unclarified [for the sake of time] is that you’re stalling for time in order to read instructions from us about how to stall for time. Feel free to relax and not let these things bother you too much, and either way you can [should, ought to] record your response to these seemingly silly paradoxes on the back page under ‘Mental Health Practitioner Self-Eval’ [Code #991-MSE] We would appreciate it [as we deeply appreciate your time here [and you]]]: you’re unconciously stalling for time just to read this before your patient or detainee becomes suspicious of your authority and aplomb: you’re shuffling your papers, you’re clearing your throat, you’re opening up an expensive leather folio and you’re shaking your head at what’s inside while muttering a little ‘tk tk tk tk’ noise with your throat, you’re clearing your throat again, you’re adjusting your sitting position on the ruddy leather armchair but ouch you’re now sitting on your balls or maybe just one [of your] ball[s] so then now you’re hastily readjusting to scoot or sort of pop the ball[s] out from underneath your crotch-taint area and you’re long-sighing with testicular relief; and at this tired juncture it’s pretty darn clear [to the patient or detainee impatiently cocking one eyebrow at you [not unlike what you did to patients back when you lost your patience [with the patients] far too easily [back when you were a rookie, too self-revealing therapist]]] that you’re stalling for time — all in service of reading some [maybe fruitless] junk. The words that come out of the patient or detainee should be more like contextual shapes or even rather psychocontextual shapes that the patient or detainee should sort of move through or in [under your guidance]; in other words pay closer attention to the form than the content here. The content can be of course recorded or copied or rehashed but the form it lives in is timeless, intangible, and determined by your [hopefully] trained and perspicacious ‘eye.’]] [Now that you [maybe] understand the contextual intent, proceed to read the patient’s or detainee’s previous answers back to the patient or detainee and record the patient’s or detainee’s response below. Rate the whole response wholly on a scale of 1–11, 11 being highly volatile [like as in the patient or detainee is going to go home and listen to Slipknot or System of a Down and throw shit around in the dim, one-creepy-overhead-lightbulb-lit garage and then tomorrow night the patient or detainee will definitely go through with his or her or their or its longstanding and [to the patient or detainee] gratifying plan to shoot up the Annual Lawrence County Fair with a heavy-assault rifle] and a 1 being pretty much as harmless as a flea’s dick [yeah, you know, the patient or detainee will act all pissy and downtrodden and woe-begotten and eyefully recalcitrant and quietly furious and fundamentally damaged in a tear-tackling, 1980s way but you know deep down what they’ll do about it is either go home and listen to like The Smiths or something and cry and sort of mope around from couch to floor to bed or he or she or they or it will try to call an old fling but we both know the old fling won’t pick up but will instead text the patient or detainee back, hours later, with something like ‘Yo, what’s up? I’m in a[…]’].]

So do your job. Rate a person:

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*If your 1–11 rating of the patient’s or detainee’s response regarding their level of fear about their prenominated responses to Q1–10 supra happens to equal or surpass a five [5], they are considered [by VC] an incurable anhedoniac and pretty much a puddle of soft sad puppy shit. Additionally, note that their score is equal to their distance from a VC-patented Point of No Return [PoNR], meaning that if they score a five [5] they are five [5] paces past a PoNR, psychologically speaking. These PsoNR are just a way for us here at the ViCoactus Psychoradical Therapy Tools for the Modern Succorer HQ [Headquarters] to sort of throw up our hands and say, ‘Fuck. I reckon it’s time for ECT.’ These scores are, of course, at your discretion. Please note, however, that we do sometimes rate your rating here at VCPTTftMSHQ for quality assurance purposes. Occasionally, but not often, we visit a VC test practitioner in what we call our ‘Monkey Evaluation’ [or MonkEval] [just to sort of see if things are working…], at only a nominal fee for you. Additionally, note that the stress of the test itself has been proven [by special VC counsel] not to exacerbate or at all cause anhedonia. This has been proven. You can practice with the Peace of Mind™ because all VC-patented Psychoradical Therapy Tools have been proven [by special VC counsel] to be perfectly safe and safely perfect.

© ViCoactus Psychoradical Therapy Tools for the Modern Succorer, 2011. All questions quietly and thoroughly tested [and affirmed] in primate and chimpanzee trials. The unauthorized distribution of these questions by any unauthorized personnel is authorizedly punishable [and affirmed] by having these same questions asked of you in a quiet and thorough way by a physician, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, psychoanalyst, psychotherapist, charmer, mystic, or primate. All rights beswerved.